Negotiating Against a Personality Disorder

Many people with narcissistic, histrionic, borderline, paranoid, or anti-social personality disorders are also high conflict personalities (HCP). If the person with a personality disorder is a HCP, they do not suffer in silence, but will actively try to ruin your life. Negotiating with such a HCP is one of the toughest challenges in both business and personal interactions.

HCPs thrive on drama and manipulation, making standard negotiation tactics of empathy, listening, and looking for what works for both parties, ineffective. Understanding their behavior patterns and applying the correct strategies is crucial to protect yourself emotionally and financially.

Consider the example of Vlad, a notorious real estate speculator from Prague, who exhibited classic HCP behavior, in his case mostly the narcissistic and anti-social flavor kind. Vlad’s business relationships followed a predictable pattern: initial charm followed by aggression, manipulation, and exploitation. Vlad believed that everything he saw belonged to him. If a partner succeeded independently, Vlad perceived it as theft. When his partners began to succeed, he accused them of betrayal and deceit, aggressively demanding that they hand over their profits or property to him.

When confronted by HCPs like Vlad, many mistakenly resort to flattery or reasoning, hoping it will calm their aggressive partner. Unfortunately, HCPs either see through flattery and exploit it as a weakness OR are encouraged in their delusion by it. Attempting to justify your position or reason with them similarly fails, as HCPs will deny reality, contradict themselves, and insist they are always right.

The correct strategy is to establish boundaries without unnecessarily making your partner feel attacked. Think of it like encountering an aggressive bear: you should neither flee nor attack. Stand your ground calmly and assertively.

Many HCPs will demand concessions as "peace offerings". If you are sure that they are a HCP, you can also be sure that they will use the concession against you. Think about Hitler demanding the fortified border regions of Czechoslovakia in exchange for peace, or, more recently, Russia demanding demilitarization of Ukraine. In your business life, your HCP counterparty will likely ask you to hand over voting rights, sign property over to them, burn a bridge with the only person that would come to your aid, or do something to compromise yourself. Not only does providing such a concession make you weaker, but it also creates a precedent for them demanding more concessions. Continuing with the bear analogy, you do not start the encounter by handing your axe to the bear. You are much better off to maintain a credible threat of defense legal or otherwise.

Setting a boundary is a course of action with an if-then statement. Something like: “I am sorry, I cannot lower the agreed price. If you break the contract, I will take legal action.” In personal settings it would be something like “I am moving out. If you try to stop me, stand in my way, threaten violence, or touch my things, I am running out screaming and calling the police.” A HCP will likely call you the aggressor or insist that you are being manipulative for setting the boundary. They will also test your boundary. You do not debate the boundary. And the moment they test it, you follow through with your if-then statement in full just like you said. No need to justify. If you get baited to debate your boundary or fail to enforce your boundary immediately, you will get hurt, as many bullied contractors, employees, and domestic violence victims could attest.

What you do NOT do is call your HCP a narcissist, histrionic, deranged or such. Remember, they do suffer from a personality disorder and it is not in your interest to make them feel attacked unnecessarily. If you can, make an excuse for setting your boundary, that does not involve your HCP at all. For example: “I am sorry, my boss will not let me lower the price. It is company policy to sue in case of breach of contract” or “I promised to take help my brother with his kids. He really needs me.”

When the initial conflict subsides, many HCPs will attempt manipulation or reconciliation. They will give you a guilt trip or silent treatment. Ignore that and kindly but firmly stick to your boundaries.