Are you in a relationship or are you being played?

Few things feel as unjust as finding out that while you thought you were in a relationship, your partner was in a series of transactions.

You are in a relationship if your partner perceives you as a valuable part of their world. You are in a transaction if they perceive you as a replaceable temporary supplier of whatever they currently need.

In a relationship, your partner perceives it to be in their best interest that you are doing well. In a transaction, their goal was to take advantage of you at every step.

It might be tempting to believe that the relationship/transaction deception is exclusive to personal relationships. For example, a man promising marriage and a happy future while only being in it for sex. Or a woman promising children and a happy family while only being in it for the money, attention, and connections.

The very same thing happens when any procurement professional hints at giving you more work if you only help them out this one time by providing your goods or services at 20% under cost. Likely, if there is any work next time, they will be asking for a discount again, promising a bright future again—if only you help them out this one more time.

Consider the example of a real estate speculator named Milan, who refined this deception into an art form. Every single "relationship" Milan had was just a series of transactions for him, whether with suppliers, business "friends," or even the mother of his child.

Milan would work meticulously to frame whatever was going on as a relationship. He would often talk about personal matters, asking for personal advice. He would be jovial and friendly, talking about doing the next big deal "together." He asked for and received small and huge personal favors. In return he hinted at promising huge favors and occasionally delivered small favors.

When the victim started slipping away, Milan would deny wrongdoing and reframe the victim’s service to him as mutually beneficial cooperation. He would play dumb and confused, claiming not to understand why the victim, after a year of warnings, "suddenly" pulls away. A month or two would pass, and he would return, calling to discuss a small personal matter, ask for advice, and then request another small favor to restart the cycle.

Milan had no business relationship longer than five years. Eventually, this shrank to two years and then one year. None of his family would talk to him, let alone trust him. When people caught onto what he was doing, he would say things like, "We are friends," "I am your best client," and "Next time we can do something like this as partners." When a breakup was inevitable, he would not pay the last batch of invoices.

To avoid falling into such a trap, carefully observe how your counterparty has treated people who previously held a similar position. The game people play rarely changes. If someone is known for simulating relationships to exploit partners, you will likely experience the same, regardless of how sincerely they claim otherwise.

Alternatively, you can compare the potential of the “relationship” to what the “relationship” delivers to you. If you believe that the relationship has a great potential, but has delivered nothing for a long time, you are probably being played.